Today was the first day of sunshine here in Berlin after a long period of grey skies and rainy weather.
Even though Berliners were blessed with only a short time of this beautifully golden sunlight the energies clearly shifted to a much lighter level. You could literally feel the relief that it brought.
It felt so refreshing and I felt light in my heart. My window sun catcher reflected the light coming in to various beautiful rainbows on my bedroom walls. I could watch them the whole day.
It is the first day I feel slightly better after a sudden fever that I “unintentionally“ invoked on the last day of Christmas. After chanting my source tone and doing some ethereal DNA cleansing I danced to the rhythms of drumming reclaiming parts of me that I have given to others or situations, honoring all of my emotions, especially praising the darkness within me.
It is very tragic how much shame we have accumulated over the years regarding our shadows. I’m done with that.
It is a time of resting. This is what I give to my body now, and it has asked for that for such a long time. Instead of recording episodes for my podcast or editing the ones I have already recorded, writing blog posts, making videos as I have planned it, I had to give in and come to a point of not doing anything.
The last couple of weeks have been spiritually mind-blowing and simply out of this world. I have gone through many portals of transformation, and before I could even grasp and process the intensity of it all I felt myself being cracked open.
Standing in my power is a very new feeling to me. A total new sense of self. I had glimpses of that here and there, and I had an understanding of what it must feel like, I had a knowingness deep inside me – because we are never truly separated from it, but honestly I couldn’t really say I was standing in my power.
It all started when I learnt to say no. You know that kind of no that is one sentence. And the universe gave me many situations to practice and strengthen it.
I didn’t have any other chance but to follow my intuition.
And as a side note please know that: to your ego mind your intuition never makes sense, ever! So don’t question your intuition, question your ego!
My word for 2019 came to me quite early this year. It is “rebirth“. When it first came to me I knew this was going to be intense (again) and at the same time so exciting and fun.
For someone to be metaphysically reborn one has to let go of the version they used to be. Like completely, all of it. ALL OF IT. We associate that with death. Death of the old. I want to use the term transformation instead, though, even though I like the archetype of death.
As I am reflecting here on my bed, resting, being transformed and having one of my cats purring on my lap, the other one trying to play with me whilst I am typing these words, I honor 2018 for what it has gifted me. It was a brutal year of truth emerging. It was a pain in the ass. It has brought me to my knees over and over again, and every time I got up I felt stronger and stronger. It was a year of beauty and unraveling, blooming and blossoming.
This is what I have asked for at the end of 2017 – the truth. And there it was: messy, heartbreaking, utterly painful and then all of a sudden peaceful.
I am so grateful for it has brought so many wonderful people (back) into my life. It has shown me how much connection means to me, and how much connection there is when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open and when we communicate our deepest fears in truth.
I have re-bonded with soul sisters that were somehow gone out of my life but right in that moment when I was at the weakest and most miserable point in my life they suddenly reappeared as if by magic – like a tower of strength. I call that SISTERHOOD.
These loving and beautiful bonds I have made with them and other beautiful women that entered my life are my greatest blessings this year. Thank you so much. You are forever in my heart.
2018 also kicked out many people that are no longer a match to me. People I thought would stay for a long time, people I held very dear to my heart, people I called friends, one of them I called my love. But as we are all shifting and emerging, all of us into our very own shape and being we might find ourselves going different directions.
It came with a lot of pain and a lot of grief, a lot of anger and a lot of no fucks given in the end. Over some I am still grieving. Grief has been my greatest teacher this year.
It has taught me compassion, it has taught me forgiveness, it has taught me seeing the innocence in them, and at the same time it has taught me standing up for myself, redefining my values and saying no to certain behaviors once and for all.
As my dear friend Andrea Gomez said – who by the way is one of these sisters – “2018 ends with a bang.“ And it surely does. The end of a year marks the perfect time for reflection and introspection.
How do I want my 2019 to be like? Who do I want do be? What do I want to be? What do I need to do in order for me to be/feel/achieve [fill in the blank]? What story of myself do I need to let go of?
My word “rebirth“ comes with many attributes. The main signature however is JOY.
I cannot wait for 2019 being a total new beginning of a total new cycle. In anticipation…with arms wide open.
What is your word?