I know, darling,
you still hear the echoes of his promises, the words he used to whisper in your ear while holding you close to his heart, watching the tides of the Baltic Sea go in and out, curled up in this armchair in front of the window.
You still hear his voice when he made plans with you, the lines of the letters that he wrote you, how he talked about spending his life with you, how he said he had known right from the start that it was you.
How he talked about having children with you, how he talked about marrying you, all the many times he talked about the house and garden that he dreamed of manifesting with you, the countries that he wanted to travel with you.
Anything that makes a woman give her whole heart to a man.
I know how much you wanted all of it, too. I know how much you wanted to have it all with him, and I know how much you wanted to be with him.
How he once said he wanted to get to know you to a level and depth that no one has ever reached before. These words were the greatest gift you have ever received.
You were so certain that you could trust them. I know you couldn’t really believe that this magic was granted to you. And I know you were the happiest woman on earth in those moments.
But he is not there anymore
…he has left, so suddenly. And with him, he took all the possible futures you could have had together. And being left where there used to be so much hope and faith, excitement, and joy, where there was pure and innocent love is now nothing but an endless sea of tears of broken dreams.
So hear me, now is your turn to choose differently, too.
Yes, it is so hard and it feels like dying over and over again each and every single day, like rebirthing over and over again each and every single day. It seems like it won’t ever stop.
And I know for now it means day by day, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute when it gets all too rough, and grief comes along at no notice, and you hit rock bottom all over again.
Let it come. Let the storm move through you.
But find it in your warrior’s heart that now is your turn to choose differently, too. Leave these broken dreams behind, because as it already says: they are broken. Dive into the ocean of your tears of grief and buried hope and let yourself be carried and healed. You don’t need to know how; just surrender and let it crack you open.
You gotta let go. Let go. Hear my echo…let go.
Say goodbye in gratitude to what you have believed was true love and friendship. It was wonderful to carry these dreams so wholeheartedly and openly, it was wonderful to believe that this was all happening for you, that all of that which you have ever wished for could actually come true. And you were so ready to grow together, mutually.
It was wonderful how you have never given up on the two of you, even though for the last couple of months you have cried and screamed in silence and in much pain that you cannot do this all by yourself.
You needed him
… you needed him to give you some safety again, after all. You needed him to be fully committed to this relationship, too. You were so heartbroken and confused by his pushing and pulling. But yet you had faith.
It was wonderful that you have loved so deeply and purely, and that – no matter what would happen – you always had faith that you would go through each storm hand in hand together. Knowing that sometimes it might be more him to carry you, and sometimes it might be you to carry him.
You were not afraid of commitment. You were also not afraid of sharing your love in the deepest way possible, most importantly you were not afraid of connection. And even if you have been afraid of being totally vulnerable here and there, you courageously chose the path of the heart. You knew the truth of it all.
So, my dearest, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and please don’t blame yourself any longer. You did everything you could.
So release him, even though you will never get any answers, even though this symphony is so unfinished. Play your voice with your instrument to the very last note.
Make it your great solo instead, and bring it gracefully to an end. Hold in for a little while and listen to the last sound fading. Then put it down and leave this stage for good.
I love you and you will get through this, eventually.
This, too, shall pass.